Identity Crisis – redefining who I am after endo and UC

Feeling lost from auto-immune diseases

I know this sounds utterly drama-tastic but I literally feel like Im having an identity crisis. Over the last few years I had built myself up to be the strongest, most positive person there was. I was exercising every day, eating a whole food diet, and happy as a clam. I had found the love of my life, managing somehow to make long distance work. I found the most incredible job that allowed me to shine, and I moved back to Canada for it. Then shortly after my move, the endometriosis pain kicked in in places I had never felt it before. I was so fortunate to get a referral and acceptance into the BC Women’s Pain and Endo clinic but that was probably for me, the beginning of of the end. I was put on the wait list for the excision surgery and I was very diligent about an endo diet to control the inflammation and bowel movements until the surgery. I was asked to skip my periods, and therefore take Visanne which I was always reluctant to do. The hair loss started and the spot bleeding was equivalent to period pain at first. A few months later, the biggest bout of what seemed like a terrible flu accompanied by bloody, mucousy diarrhea with uncontrollable urgency sent me to the ER with a hospital stay of 10 days to confirm I had moderate to severe UC. I would have gone home earlier but the first round of mesalamine didnt work (I was pooping them out whole) and they had to try a different brand.

Since my UC diagnosis I have been on a low residue diet which – if any of you are on it still – is the OPPOSITE of an endo diet. Its literally high carb, high protein, NO FRUITS OR VEGGIES, no lentils, nothing with fiber. Do you know how utterly counter intuitive that is for endo????

4 months later, both doctors squabbled over whether I was in good enough shape to have the excision surgery. I was mad at my own body for putting me in the situation where the inflammation may prevent me from having the best surgery of my life. Needless to say I was able to go through with it, and it ended up being much more extensive than anticipated. The good news is, its mostly all out. The bad news is I feel like between the scar tissue on my colon and the UC itself, I actually dread having a bowel movement. AND I think the worst part about it is every morning I wake up with what I like to call a bolus of poop just hanging out in my lower colon waiting until IT is ready to come out. Nothing I can do about it and it looks and feels exactly like endo belly – so really I havent come that far yet.

Im trying to be patient. Im trying to be positive. But I am honestly no longer the person I was a year ago. I can barely walk for 20 minutes. I have to be so careful what I eat, not to mention alcohol is out of the picture (plus or minus a beer here and there). Im in pain constantly. Im tired constantly. And for the first time in 10 years I think I may have to up my anti-anxiety meds just because of how much is going on. I have missed so much work and I HATE missing work. Im a Director of Sales at a start up company in BC that is gaining tons of momentum and yet, I feel like Im the bottle neck. I do realize that “I am not what I eat”, and that this will take time, and hopefully once the inflammation has gone down I wont feel the endo pain again, and my UC will eventually go into remission. But for now… especially for RIGHT now… I feel like shit.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.