I don’t know who is out there anymore or who subscribes to blog RSSs (is that what they are called), but I started out on this blog for me so hey, here we go. I don’t know how to do this anymore. The symptoms, the drugs, the expectations. It’s all heavy, you know? Like, you have this layer of existing that just seems to float through life. And then, there is this thin layer of grime that occurs on that light thin layer, when the drugs weigh in. And then on top of that there’s like a molasses layer when the fatigue sets in. And then sitting on top of this molasses layer are bumps – these things that hit life and set you off course a bit like when you stick your arm out of a moving vehicle on a windy day. Those bumps are all the expectations people put on you cus hey ‘you have a role in this life and you need to live up to it’.
I used to hate the slimy later of medication side effects but without it now, I feel like I have nothing anchoring me to the ground. Have no medications that helps and Im just floating and fluttering without any real direction. For me I spend way too much time focusing on each new symptom; a twitch on the arm, loss of feeling in a finger, difficulty swallowing. I spend too much time analyzing my bowel movements or my cramps. I put stock in one good day and then get miserable when I try to replicate it and it all turns to shit. And while everyone around me keeps moving and living and wondering about cool shit, I just hope and pray that the doctor is going to call me. With every new negative exam that comes through my patient portal I feel dread of having a diagnosis and equal or more dread of not having a diagnosis. It’s all so heavy. Every single day I am expected to just go on with my life, like it doesn’t hurt. Like it doesn’t just hurt so bad. One day the doctor will call. That’s that they say. These things take time. I wish I could sleep it all away sometimes. You know? Like just hang up my coat, crawl into bed, close the curtains and sleep. Sleep for days. Sleep for weeks if I have to and then come back to life when the doctor is ready to see me. But I cant do that. I have too much going on. We all have too much going on.